What are you afraid of?

I asked my students the other day in class what they were afraid of. I was surprised by some of the answers and the brutal honesty. However, I never ask them or have them answer a question I am not willing to ask or answer myself. I was open and transparent with my seniors about what struggles or obstacles I deal with.

I am not very fond of spiders. I know they play an important part of the insect ecosystem, but when I was in middle school I was bitten by a spider. I wish it would have been radio active and I became spider man, but unfortunately, that’s not the case! I spent two days on the sofa and ended up in the ER. The doctor cut a small hole in my leg to release the infection and start the healing process. The hole was left open to heal from the inside out. I (my mother) cleaned and dressed the hole for several days in conjunction with antibiotics. I live with the scar as a reminder of how amazing, and scary, nature can be. Needless to say, when I see a spider, I head the opposite direction.

But to answer the intent of the question, I feel as though I am afraid of what God might possibly call me to do. I am a teacher at a comfortable place in my career. I am in my tenth year and things are great. Days are simple and communicating the Gospel is extremely fun. Now if you ask my students, they might disagree. I expect a lot from my students and I hold them to high standards. Although, I extend absurd amounts of grace and unconditional love. Part of my fear is that God might be calling me to more. I often feel the spirit tugging me to return to seminary to finish my masters work and move into doctoral work. (I would love to be called Dr. Fruitticher one day!) Maybe I’m afraid of the work/effort it will take? Maybe I’m afraid of failing or maybe I’m afraid of how God wants to use me? As great as teaching is, there is also a fear that this could be it? Am I going to be a teacher all my life? There is nothing wrong with being a teacher, but am I going to be the old guy that teaches Bible until he retires? Is there more out there? Then there’s the whole question about dreams and maybe those dreams have passed me by. What about passions? Aren’t we supposed to do what we are passionate about? So many questions to think about!!

I am reminded of the disciples in Mark 4. As an individual, I tend to be consumed with the circumstances. The disciples saw the wind and waves and were scared for their lives. Interestingly enough, Jesus was sleeping through the whole thing until he was awoken by the disciples! How about the audacity of the disciples to ask Jesus if he cared about them? But don’t we do the same when life gets rough and we cry out for help? Jesus, where are you? Jesus, please, we need your help! Culturally, when things are going good, Jesus is the last person on our minds. However, when “catastrophic” events happen we plead for Jesus to intervene. We treat him more like a genie than we do a Savior to walk through life with. I feel like it comes to perspective. All the disciples could see were the waves crashing over the boat. All the disciples could see was the boat beginning to sink. We too forget to have the perspective of who is actually in the boat with us.

Jesus himself asked the disciples, “What are you afraid of? Do you still have no faith?” Talk about cutting to the chase? Does the lack of faith lead to fear in the circumstances of life? Jesus, in his questioning, brings to the forefront that we need him in our everyday life, not only in the crisis moments alone. I believe we get in the habit of the signal flare prayer. We send off the flare for help hoping God notices and begins to respond. Talk about bad theology and a frustrating way to live. I think, for myself, I forget that Jesus is FOR me. For example, if I teach school until I retire, then God is for me. If I pursue dreams to become a PhD, God is for me. If I pursue another career path, God is for me. If I pursue dreams, God is for me. How or why am I so confident you may ask? It’s a great question, but many years ago I agreed to put my “yes” on the table. I told God I would be willing and open to communicate the Gospel wherever he would put me. Maybe I have an unfair advantage over the disciples, but I have placed my faith in Jesus. I push myself to walk with Jesus daily. Am I perfect, no! But in my relationship with Jesus I have learned the more I try to control the less I accomplish and the more I let Him have control the more I accomplish. Does that make life rainbows and butterflies? Not at all!! I have found that its a daily death to self and the constant straining to press on towards the goal that God has called me heavenward.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash