Months ago, I started seeking wisdom from businessmen that I knew personally about a decision I was making. I chose men who are genuine and honest and I knew I could trust them. They were all very kind to let me have several hours out of their busy day. I had a set of six questions I used to interview them and I was excited to hear their answers. I trust these men’s words of wisdom and advice, not only from a business perspective but also as a follower of Christ. My “M.O.” was to meet in a coffee shop, share a cup of joe, and gain as much wisdom as I could. I really wanted to just listen and not talk. I asked my questions and tried to write down everything that was said. In one of these meetings, we met in a local coffee shop and sat down at a farm table to drink coffee and discuss the questions I had. I would say it was one of the best meetings when the person I was interviewing turned the questions back on me. “What’s your why?” he asked. Then he gave me the title of a book to read. “Start with Why” This book pushed me to think about my career and what I want to accomplish. After reading and analyzing the book, I had to own some of my shortcomings and address the underlying issues. It was a kick in the pants that I needed. It was what I needed to move forward in making a decision.

I have always been an authentic person and don’t mind telling my story in hopes that God will use it to help other people. So, let’s discuss some of the issues I had to address. Through reading several books, I realized I had some major flaws, catastrophic some might say, that needed to be fixed. The first major flaw that was staring me in the face was that I had lost trust in Jesus to work His plan for my life. I was constantly pushing my agenda and asking God why it wasn’t working. Now, is there some backstory that may have caused me to move in this direction? Sure, but in the end, it was my choice to lack trust and step out to do things my own way. On several occasions, I found myself wanting to compare my situation to others, telling myself “If I say and do all the right things to impress this person then I’ll get promoted too.” or “If I play perfectly this Sunday, then maybe I’ll be considered for other playing opportunities outside of Sunday mornings.” It was only after a lot of frustration and praying did God begin to show me where I had stopped trusting and started manipulating. So, I am owning my part and trusting God to work His plan for my life. I am not trying to build my own platform, but I am willing to let God build whatever platform He deems worthy for me to occupy. I was trying to kick open every door that I came in contact with. To me, every opportunity was carrying major weight and implications, but God had not put those there. I was putting them there and causing myself a lot of pain. I was the only one stressed and losing sleep at night.

The second major issue that needed to be addressed was I had started checking the box for a quiet time. This lack of trust had bled over into my relationship with Jesus. I was reading the devotion and scripture, but not really investing in my time with Him. Why would God want anything to do with me? I’m a failure. Just writing that out…it is amazing how quickly your thoughts can turn toxic and you find yourself in a nasty place. Now, I also know I had some help from the enemy. The Apostle Paul talks at length about captivating your thoughts so you are not taken captive and you can set the captives free. I had been taken captive to self-deprecating and believing I had fallen out of favor with God. I was encouraged by a colleague to read the book “Rooted.” I think it was by divine appointment to have the conversation and to put me in front of a book I desperately needed to read. It was a call to return to the scripture and remember the roots that were planted by that stream of water in Psalms. It was a call to trust again in what God has for me. Being in scripture is the only way to truly develop a level of trust and to put that trust into practice. Finding yourself trying to operate outside of scripture is not a place that anyone should be. It’s a hopeless, anxiety-filled place that is not healthy. There is a reason we have the inspired Word of God. So, I have been back in the Word admitting, repenting, and trying to understand God’s unconditional love for me. 

Now back to the meetings, I said I would meet these men in coffee shops. Well, some weeks after our meeting at the local coffee shop, I had the opportunity to buy that table. Now some might say it has “character” after being in a coffee shop. There were dents and dings and scratches. The table had seen good use and was fulfilling its duty at the coffee shop. With all the spare time from the quarantine, I was able to refinish the table. I sanded the old stain off to get down to the original wood. The legs needed some freshening up and in general, the table needed a little TLC. As I worked on the table, I kept hearing this voice in my head. “It’s not easy, is it? It takes time. It takes care and love that you thought was impossible.” The table project began to take on a whole new meaning. I realized God was working on me like I was working on the table. Taking the old away and sanding away the rough edges. There are still dents and dings, but that gives the table character. I stained the table, painted the legs, and put on new felt pads for the feet to sit on our hardwood floors. It now sits in our kitchen where we use it every day. It is still a table fulfilling its purpose but in a different capacity. Instead of it being thrown away the table went from a coffee shop to our family. It has been renewed. Romans says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  

I find myself being repurposed/renewed for the kingdom. If God wants me in a classroom to teach then I will be the best teacher I can be to push the kingdom forward. If God wants me behind a drum set, then I will drum my heart out for the kingdom. What I have had to relearn is to trust what God is doing. I believe God sees all and knows all. It is not my job to seek justice or point out fallacies in others. God deals with all of His children just like He is dealing with me.  I will leave it up to Him and His timing. I am waiting on doors to open and I am trying really hard not to kick open any door that is not for me. I know I am a child of God and I am loved. My value, identity, and self-worth come from Him alone. I don’t have to be perfect, He is already perfect for me. Maybe there are some struggles you are having and you need a reminder to get back into scripture, to enjoy the unconditional love God has for you, maybe it’s to let God open doors of opportunity or maybe it’s to let God fight for you and not fight against Him.